What She'd Been Searching For
by Throwaway-Renaissance
Summary: When Alice goes back to Forks, all she can think of is finding Bella alive. But as she drives, dormant emotions make themselves known, and when she's back in her arms, she feels all other future possibilities but this slip away. Based on an ask I sent to islesme a while back about how J*sper uses mind control to make Alice think she's a hetero with a cowboy fetish. Thanks dude!


The trees flew by my windows in a green and brown blur. As I drove, the Mercedes felt smaller and smaller, and I grew more and more claustrophobic. I felt like I was suffocating and fought the primal urge to punch through the windshield just to get some fucking air.

All I could think was that I had to get to her- had to get to her father, although I shuddered and hoped she'd be there too- because I _saw _her, in the worst possible outcome. I saw her jump, I saw her go under, I saw her _stay under_. I saw Bella, my closest friend, the friend I left behind; I saw her-

_No. _I thought, my grip tightening around the wheel. _She's not. I've been wrong before. I saw all sorts of futures with her, but only one came true. This isn't how it ends. Not like this. Not her._

I saw so many paths, with her, without her. I saw some where she and Edward were together, immortal, some where they were together with her old and wrinkled and finite, some where she wasn't in our lives at all, some where she and _I _were- but those were the dangerous ones, the ones that made little sense, the risky ones. All I knew is that in every one, I loved her. Because I loved her, I set her on the safest path- her with Edward, apart of our family, one of us. Edward thwarted it when he left- an overreaction to Jasper's misstep.

"Jasper," I sighed. I had forgotten about him. Between my vision, then my phone call to Rosalie, and finally my borrowing Carlisle's car and rushing all the way to Forks from Alaska, passing through Canada and thinking only of _her, _her face, her voice, her smell, the way she blushed when she was flustered, the way her body felt when I held her-

I blinked and shook my head. Not this again. I couldn't.

The more time I spent away from Jasper, the less I thought of him. I was ashamed to admit it, but when I wasn't in his presence, I didn't care for him the same way. _I didn't care at all, _I corrected myself, and felt like I might cry. I thought I loved him. The day we met, I felt a rush of emotion, the overwhelming love washing over me, sudden… _off._

I had some thoughts, some lingering feelings, that maybe what I felt for him was… a façade. His influence was powerful, and no one knew that better than I. But this thought always made me feel awful. How could I think the worst of him? He was my first friend in this new life, my ally. But still, could I really put it past him? Couldn't it be feasible that he, used to a life of constant violence, was afraid of losing a friend like me? Could he, in his twisted sense of right and wrong, justify keeping me as a virtual prisoner? I never _really _felt attracted to him, going through the motions, all the while imagining him as someone else. I always felt more of a pull towards people like Rosalie… but that was to be expected, no? She was beautiful, everyone was enchanted by her, and yet I knew, deep down, that my instincts were right. My feelings for him were… not real, not in any sense.

I felt disgusting suddenly, like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. Shame and anger washed over me, and venomous tears welled up in my eyes. How could he? But then again, how could he have fought a whole fucking war to enslave human beings? How could he immediately jump into his next life, ready to kill even more, for _territory? _How could he continue to feed on humans, even after adopting Carlisle's lifestyle, and make excuses for it? How could he, how could he, how could he! How _dare _he?

But I couldn't even get mad at him. I simply didn't care enough, not outside of his sphere of influence. All I could think of was Bella, my Bella, my best friend. Her corpse, floating to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, alone and cold.

Tears freely flowed now, and I brushed them away, pulling up to her street and parking, hopefully inconspicuously. I shivered like an alley cat in the cold but pulled myself together and stepped out of the car and into a dying street lamp's glow. I walked, slowly, up to her doorstep. I rang the bell, received no response, then fished under the mat for the spare key and let myself in. _No invitation necessary for this vampire, _I thought wryly.

I walked into her house, realized it hadn't changed at all, and smiled. I walked around, smelling her and Charlie in the air, and my hand found its way over my heart as I remembered every sleepover Bella and I had, every movie night with her and Charlie, every time I made her go shopping with me. I remembered when she broke her leg, and I stepped up and took care of her. I remembered helping her dress and shower, how close I was to her body and how she looked at me- and again, I shook the thoughts from my head.

She was- is, she has to be alive- so beautiful. But that word stuck: was. Was, was, was, she was, Bella was, she no longer-

A sharp sob racked my body, and I fell to the bottom step on her stairs, sobbing uncontrollably. I love her- _Loved her_, my mind threw at me sardonically- and the last thing I did to her was leave her all alone. And now, because of Edward, because of our family, because of _me, _she was gone.

I was curled up into a ball on the steps and weeping for only a few minutes before I heard it. The blaring, ugly roar of a beat-up truck. Bella's piece of shit red Chevy. But hearing it now, I began to appreciate it more than I ever had. And then, as it drew closer, I heard a familiar voice, more ragged and hoarser than usual, but unmistakably hers. The truck pulled up to the house, and I heard her arguing with an unfamiliar man, before her key turned in the door and I froze.

"Jake, I have to," I heard her yell out the front door, as her truck door slammed and her companion ran off, and I heard his double footsteps become quadruple. _Weird._

I waited by the stairs, and when she turned on the light and I saw her for the first time in months, my knees grew weak.

"Alice, oh Alice!" she cried out, throwing herself into my arms, squeezing me like she was holding me together, for which I was grateful. She sobbed into my shoulder, and I thawed, squeezing her back and crying with her. _My love,_ I thought, but again, I pushed the thought from my mind. Not now.

I pulled her to the couch as she sobbed and sat next to her, rubbing her back until she calmed. Even though she was crying and I was still in shock, I was relieved. She was alive, and in my arms, and she looked up into my eyes, hers puffy and red, and mumbled, "I missed you."

I responded in kind, barely even vocalizing, and she read my lips and nodded, the tears flowing, but no sobs shaking her chest. She filled me in on what I had missed, and I filled her in, and we just sat, talking for an hour or more, and I spent the whole time either looking into her eyes, or at her lips, swollen and just begging to be kissed.

"Alice?"

I snapped out of it, and she was gazing right into my eyes, concern pulling her eyebrows together, and I felt so much _love, _purely and simply, for the girl. I knew she loved me too, with every word and action she showed me she did, but every bit of validation made my heart hurt and my stomach flutter. She would never love me like I wanted, I knew that, but that didn't matter to me. _It does matter, though. You want her. Bad. You want her in your arms, in your bed, on top of you, her lips on yours, her hands all over you, and you want it forever._

"Sorry," I chuckled. "Distracted. I just can't believe you're _alive. _I had a vision of you. I saw you jump, and I waited for you to come back up, I waited, but you stayed under. Bella, what were you thinking? How could you try to _kill_ yourself?" I felt like crying again. "What about Charlie? What about m… Edward?" The sound of his name sent a ripple of pain through her. I felt horrible for scolding her like this, she was clearly in agony and needed my support and understanding, but the thought of her feeling so empty and alone and scared and just terribly _sad _made me feel insane. I had grieved for her, in those moments after I saw her jump off that cliff, and even though she was sitting right in front of me, I still felt like I had lost her. "Why did you do it?"

"I wasn't trying to kill myself! I was… cliff jumping." She shrugged and wiped at her nose absently. "It was… fun."

"Huh." I wasn't so sure I was convinced. "Cliff diving. Fun."

"All the kids in La Push do it."

That old adage about "would you jump off a bridge if your friends did" came to mind, but I bit my tongue. She didn't deserve my anger or frustration. I brushed my hand over her cheek, and she caught it in hers, holding it there and sighing. Then, before I could react, she climbed into my lap and pressed her face into my shoulder. I sat and listened to her breathing, syncing mine to hers, inhaling her scent. God, she smelled so good. I was worried that I would lose it and drain her right then and there, but I was completely in control, for the first time. Almost losing her put things into perspective, certainly. And so I sat, holding her, smelling her hair, which smelled like her skin, like salt water, and-

"Bella, what is that god-awful wet dog smell?"

She giggled, and I felt my heart, not beating but alive in this moment, flutter. "That would be Jacob," she explained.

"Jacob?"

She nodded. "He's… a really good friend."

I felt a pang of jealousy rip through me. Was this her new man? I couldn't stand the thought. Bella was mine.

"He's kind of… a werewolf," she added, sheepishly.

I was perturbed; had she no sense of self-preservation? "Bella, werewolves are not good company to keep."

"Speak for yourself," a deep voice chimed in from behind, and I dropped Bella from my lap and reflexively jumped up. In the living room stood a large Quileute man, almost 7 feet tall for sure, surly and defensive. No, not a man, I thought. Although he was lumbering and built, I could see in his features, his insecure way of carrying himself, that he was still a boy, no older than 16.

"Jake," she breathed, answering my question before I could ask it.

"Just checking to see if you're still alive," he answered, smiling kindly at her.

I felt a surge of rage. "Well _I _wouldn't hurt her," I snapped. I could never hurt Bella. Ever.

"No, you're just a harmless Cullen," he cracked, on the surface sarcastic, but just barely hiding his malice.

"Jake, I'm fine," she assured him. "Everything's all good, dude. I'm with Alice, I'll be okay."

I smiled at that. She said she was _with _me. I know she didn't mean it, but I could pretend, right?

"Alright," he sighed, not satisfied, but respectful of her wishes. "Just… let me know if you need anything, 'k?"

Bella nodded. "Thanks, Jake. When you see my dad at the funeral, give him a big hug for me, would ya?"

"Sure, sure," he nodded, winking at her, then throwing me a warning glare, before turning and stomping out the door. I looked at her, waiting for an answer.

"Harry Clearwater," she explained, looking down with exhaustion etched into her pretty face. "My dad's buddy from way back. He passed away this morning."

"Oh," I said. "I'm sorry for his loss."

Bella nodded, tucking a hair behind her ear and pulling her eyebrows together. God, she was so fucking cute. "Yeah, I just know it's gonna be tough on him. I can't stop thinking about Sue and their kids, though. Poor Leah. I can't even imagine _my _father…" she trailed off, shaking her head and shuddering. "That poor family."

I pulled her into my arms again, holding her close, my hands around her neck, pressing my face into her shoulder, now. She put her arms around my waist, and when I felt her hands on my lower back I shivered. They felt so warm, so inviting. Without thinking, I pressed my lips to her neck.

She stiffened. _Shit, _I thought. I fucked up. She pulled away just a few inches.

"Alice?"

"Sorry," I breathed. "I don't know what came over me. I-"

But she cut me off when she pressed her lips to mine, tentatively. She kept the kiss chaste, and she was unsure, but she was still so tender. I felt fireworks go off in my brain, and suddenly, I wasn't stuck in the future, ruminating on all the possibilities. I was firmly in the present, in the now, knowing nothing but the girl whose lips captured mine.

She pulled away, and I couldn't help but whimper. She laughed, putting a hand on my cheek and gazing into my eyes, and I could've sworn I saw love in them, like the love I held for her for so long.

"I… I'm not sure what's come over me," she whispered, self-conscious suddenly. "I've thought about this, about you so many times, but I always thought that he and I… Edward and I… were supposed to be together. I was scared to admit it, but I…" She looked away in shame. "You were always there, in the back of my mind. I went to bed at night thinking of you. Every moment I spent with you, I spent imagining a moment like this."

I gulped. This had to be a dream. I'd held a candle for this woman for so long, and now, hearing her say she did the same, made me feel like I was floating on air.

"I never told you this," I began, closing my eyes, afraid that my eyes would betray just how vulnerable I was, "but I always knew we'd be together, one way or another. I just never thought this could be… It could be like this." I took her hand in mine, and she kissed my knuckles, surprising me yet again.

"Alice, you don't have to be so timid," I heard her say, and with my eyes still closed, I leaned forward, silently asking for her to be close again, and I felt her lips against mine, surer this time, urgent, even. She pulled away quickly, and said, "And don't be sorry. For anything."

Then she really shocked me to my core. "I love you, too."

I didn't remember saying it, and I opened my eyes to look at her, and she shook her head. "You don't need to tell me," she punctuated with a quick kiss. "I already know."

We kissed again, and I pulled her down onto the couch, her on top of me, my lips a smile around hers. I ran my tongue along her bottom lip, going further than I knew Edward ever had the guts to do, and when she opened up for me I explored her mouth, and she moaned into mine. I giggled, then continued to kiss her, pulling her so close we were one and reveling in the pressure of her weight pinning me beneath her.

In a moment of boldness, I threw a leg around her waist, holding her in between my thighs, and she pulled her mouth away for a second to mutter "Holy crow," before throwing herself back into the kiss again. Now I had fully forgotten about Jasper, about everyone, and I felt so complete that I could just about sing.

"I love you," she said again.

"I love you too, Bells," I whispered back. "More than you'll ever know." It didn't matter that I didn't need to say it. I would say it anyways, every day, for the rest of our lives, until the world stopped turning, because I knew that's what it would take to end this. Because I had finally found her. And I loved her, genuinely and with my entire being, and I would never let her forget it.

And as we kissed again, and I felt her hand slide up under my shirt and set my skin on fire, I knew that I had finally, after searching for decades, found what I had been looking for. Bella was my home.


End file.
